Property of the CW
Property of the CW

Last night, we were treated (inflicted with?) to a backdoor pilot for a spin-off series of Supernatural, the oh so cleverly titled Supernatural: Bloodlines.

In the words of my wise cohort:

Who are these people? Nobody cares. -the Collectiva Diva

I found myself firmly in the realm of not caring, just like the Diva and our own Moosefriend. I paid more attention to the very important discussion I was having on Twitter re: JarPad’s hair than the show. Even now, I feel no desire to rewatch the episode; I’m indifferent, and here’s why:

  • The beauty of  Supernatural is that from the pilot episode, we found ourselves caring about the characters.  We found ourselves caring about Sam and Dean Winchester, and when Sam’s girlfriend Jess dies at the end of the pilot, we found ourselves mourning with him. The emotional connection to the Winchesters started because the show was just the Winchesters, at least at the beginning. The showrunners gave us time to get to know the main characters before branching out, and that’s something that Bloodlines could take a note from. Too many characters in the pilot = a confusing mess for the viewer.
  • We knew this was a backdoor pilot, but even for that, there was a surprising lack of Winchesters. The showrunners are greatly mistaken if they think we tune in every week to watch monsters and ghosts kill people (that’s what horror movies are for). No, we watch for the Winchesters, and last night, it felt like they were guest starring on their own show.
  • The main character, whatever his name is, is not Sam Winchester. One dead girlfriend plus a run in with Dean and Sam does not a Winchester make.
  • Heavy handed parallels aside (see my review of #Thinman for how I feel about that!), my biggest problem with this backdoor pilot was its placement in the overall arc of the season. The past two episodes: “Meta Fiction” and “Alex Annie Alexis Ann” have been fantastic in terms of building up the tension to this season’s finale. By putting an episode at this point in the season that is so wholly devoid of Sam and Dean, it kills the tension. It’s the writing equivalent of missing your own wedding because you were asleep.

Do I need to say that I won’t be watching this show? I love SPN and the boys, but “Bloodlines” annihilated the possibility of me enjoying this spin off because of pure, unadulterated boredom. So, instead here are 10 better alternatives that the Collective bloggers came up with last night:

1. Charlie’s Adventures in Oz

Property  of the CW
Property of the CW

Try and tell me you wouldn’t watch that show, and I’ll call you a liar. Here are three good reasons why this should happen. One, we know and care about Charlie, meaning that the all important emotional connection to the audience is already present. Two, Felicia Day has the talent and onscreen presence to carry a show as its lead character (seen “The Guild?” If not, you should). Three, it’s a new side of the supernatural (see what I did there?) that we haven’t seen yet, and after 9 years, that’s kinda important.

2. Ghost Kevin Tran & Momma Tran Carrying On with the Family Business

Property of the CW
Property of the CW

Okay, so this one I came up with mostly because I miss seeing Osric Chau’s face on my tv weekly, but I stand by my idea. Momma Tran is a bad ass, and Kevin is smart…even if he is dead. And we already care about these characters, the Winchesters care about them, and I think that a ghost teenager and his fierce mom are infinitely more interesting than a monster mafia.

9.14gProperty of the CW

Episode 09×14 AKA The one with Kevin Tran

It’s Winchester Wednesday! I, for one (again, not the Collectress, surprise!) have missed the boys and am glad to have Team Free Will well represented in this episode, if not all together as of yet. We also get the beginnings of a new Winchester dynamic (#betterbrotherbond anyone?), a Cas storyline and (spoilers) to say a proper goodbye to Kevin Tran.

Synopsis

The bunker is haunted. Lights flicker, the coffee machine goes wonky, and the boys figure that the bunker must be haunted by someone who recently died inside the walls. Yup. It’s Kevin Tran. The ex-prophet of the Lord is noveau dead and so it takes him a while to figure out how to manifest for Sam and Dean. He finally shows himself as Dean is in one of his self-loathing monologues, voicing what we all are thinking, which is to say the Dean Winchester, pity party of one is getting old. Kevin informs the boys that Heaven is closed, as in, no new spirits are allowed through the gates. He, along with a line of ghosts that rivals the DMV times infinity, are stuck in the Veil until further notice. Kevin reveals that he heard through the ghost-grapevine that his mom is still alive and implores the Winchesters to find her. The boys head to Wichita, Kansas to find a ghost named “Candy”, who claims to have been locked away with Linda Tran in a public storage, one the boys easily find and infiltrate.

Property of the CW
Property of the CW

Episode 09×13 AKA that Time Sam Teaches Yoga

Happy Wednesday, Winchester fans!

The boys are together again. Sort of. It’s all business, but no family, so the family business is just business. Whatever. I don’t like it when mah boys are fighting. So without any further ado, let’s see if they worked it out last night.

Synopsis

The plot for this MotW episode was fairly simple. The episode lights up on two men in a hot dog eating contest in a small town in Minnesota. The winner, a 300+ lb man, is murdered in the parking lot after contest by having all the fat completely sucked out of his body. His weight in the autopsy? 90 lbs. Sounds like a case for the Winchesters.

After questioning local law enforcement, there is a useless side plot about the life of the man who came in second place at the eating contest. Buuut, Dean eats a doughnut.

I have never wanted to be a round breakfast food before, but now it’s on my bucket list.

A second murder happens in a gym in the town. A young woman, who is the only one at the gym late at night, is sucked free of all her weight. At this point, I didn’t know what to think of the monster. It reminded me of The Mummy‘s Imhotep sucking dry the ignorant American archaeologists, and a little bit of the Adipose from Doctor Who. But grosser. Way grosser.

Clues of various sorts lead them to the Canyon Valley Wellness Spa, where you’re guaranteed to lose all the weight you want in a week.