Welcome to Bored Games, our monthly gaming column to engage your mind and fill some time.
When I was a kid, I didn’t want a pony (despite what one would think given my rather expansive My Little Pony collection). No, what I really wanted was a dragon. I mean, how freaking cool would that be? Obviously, I knew dragons were fictional beasts, but for someone who grew up poor, so was a horse.
Even though I still can’t afford a pony, I can have dragons. Inconceivable you say? Well let me tell you all about the sweet flying lizards that you too can carry around in your pocket.
So far on this season of Galavant, Isabella is finally free of her betrothal to her kid cousin, King Richard is no longer a king (although his beard remains magnificent), and Galavant is chomping at the bit to rescue his fair princess. Also, there’s a lizard named Tad Cooper.
Will Galavant and Richard reach Isabella in time? Will Madalena fall prey to the temptations of sorcery? WILL WE GET A THIRD SEASON? Spoilers ahead!
Episode 9— “Battle of the Three Armies” or “This Isn’t Game of Thrones”
After a rousing recap song performed by the jester, the armies of Valencia and Hortensia prepare for battle. King Gareth is excited to fight, but becomes confused and disheartened when Madalena says that she won’t be joining him, instead choosing to watch the war from afar with Wormwood and cookies. The evil pair, who are saving the D’DEW for the most crucial moment, observe as the armies clash right on top of what happens to be Chef and Gwynne’s new house shack. Galavant’s zombie army joins the fray, and despite all the odds, Richard stays alive and kicking.
While on the battlefield, Gal and Isabella finally meet again and after a slap or two, they work out their misunderstandings. They decide to get married if they make it out of the war alive, because what better place to propose? At the same time, Gareth comes face to face with Richard—Gareth has by now realized that Madalena lied to him and sided with Wormwood’s dark arts, and the two make up.
From on high, Wormwood has spotted that someone down below is wielding the Hero Sword. He shows Madalena how to use the D’DEW, and they turn the zombie army against Gal and his gang. The heroes flee the battlefield, taking shelter in the castle. Madalena comes to parlay, and attempts to take Gareth back with her. He refuses, choosing to stand with his old friend Richard instead. Although Madalena loves Gareth, her hatred for Isabella and her love of war prompts her to unleash the undead army against them.
So far on this season of Galavant, Isabella is still engaged to her underage cousin, King Richard is no longer a king (although his beard remains magnificent), and Galavant is chomping at the bit to rescue his fair princess. Spoilers ahead!
Episode 5— “Giants vs. Dwarves” or “You’re the same damn height”
Galavant receives a rude awakening when Richard trades the jewel of Valencia for a baby dragon—only it isn’t a dragon, but a very cute lizard instead, whom Richard lovingly names Tad Cooper. Understandably pissed, Gal storms off. Richard sings the best song I’ve ever heard about his “dragon pal” before running into a group of dwarves. The dwarves are at war with the giants (with whom Gal has, of course, crossed paths). Now would be a good time to point out that these two groups of men are all the same height—roughly 5 foot 10. The groups, spurred on by the new feud between Gal and Richard, agree that they must go to war. Roberta is able to broker peace between then and reconcile our two lads, but only after a rousing number modeled beautifully after West Side Story.
In Hortensia, Isabella is told by wedding planner Wormwood that only one person has yet to RSVP. Under the control of the crown, she visits Princess Jubilee (Sheridan Smith) to demand a reply. But during a musical number, the crown is accidentally knocked off her head, freeing her from Wormwood’s curse. Remembering that she, in fact, doesn’t want to marry her underage cousin, Isabella returns to the castle to set things right.
Down in Valencia (or…up in Valencia? I really need a map of where these countries are in relation to each other), King Gareth confesses to Sid that he’s starting to have feelings for Queen Madalena. Sid tries to discourage his affections, referencing the sanctity of the bro code. But the well-meant warnings accidentally pass Gareth’s lips to Madalena, who orders the guards to kill Sid. He escapes into the city, only to realize that there’s a bounty on his head.
The finale of the fifth season of Game of Thrones has left viewers with more questions than answers. The shocking scenes and unforeseen deaths that made up “Mother’s Mercy” caused the internet go berserk, and my little heart to break.
This week, I was reminded why I love Game of Thrones. Why despite its shortcomings, I still watch week after week.
I feel as though I’ve been waiting and waiting for that one moment—the kind that makes you sit on the edge of your seat, the kind that makes you fist pump the air because it’s so fucking awesome. The last time I felt like that was in season 3 when Daenerys Stormborn, last of House Targaryen, was a badass in “And Now His Watch Has Ended.” You remember. This week’s “The Dance of Dragons” (a nice little homage to the title of book 5), was exactly what I needed to reaffirm my following of this ridiculous amazing show.
Thus far in season 5, Cersei has allied herself with religious fanatics; Jaime is on a covert mission to the dangerous country of Dorne; Tyrion is on his way to meet the Mother of Dragons; Daenerys has a group of murderers and her wild dragons to deal with; Sansa is engaged to Ramsay Bolton; Arya is becoming no one; and Jon Snow is Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Also, blood and boobs. Boobs everywhere.
In this recap, we cover the last two episodes of Game of Thrones, so there are even more spoilers than usual. If you haven’t had a chance to watch anything from this season yet, sign up for a free trial with HBO Now.