Where do we go from here? True Blood Season 6 Finale Recap

I can sum up last night’s True Blood finale in three words: What. The. Fuck.

The finale was cleanly split into two parts, but left viewers with a LOT of questions. (Now trending on the internet: where the f**k is Eric Northman?). I reassured several fellow Truebies last night that yes, there will be a season 7, and no, no one has announced Alexander Skarsgard’s departure from the series.

Last night had Sookie in the midst of a power struggle for her fairy vagina. Again. Warlow, without much provocation, attempts to force Sookie to become his fairy vampire bride and his blood slave for all eternity. Really, Sookie? Really??? You didn’t see this one coming after your fairy grandfather got thrown into a hell dimension trying to protect you from him? Your idiocy astounds me.

Not everything is sunshine and roses in the fae dimension. Those flowerly laurels can also be used to tie yo ass up, Sook.

The vampires ar still  high-as-a-motherf**king-kite on fairy blood, and have an impromptu outdoor daywalking pool party/volleyball tournament. Sookie meets Jason’s new vampy girlfriend in possibly the most awkward way possible…

Jason, however, manages to stop snogging his new girlfriend long enough to save his sister, although, I’m beginning to wonder why he’d even bother considering she didn’t even notice he was gone the entire time he was trapped in vamp camp. He and other Bon Temps citizens rush to Sookie’s rescue, but eventually it is Sookie’s fairy grandfather, Niall, who saves the day (and she never even bothers to ask him where he was for the past several weeks). Warlow’s death means that all the vampire daywalkers no longer have his magical fairy blood to keep them from getting sun-fried. Luckily, it’s nighttime in Bon Temps, so the local vamps are safe.

Except…

IF ERIC MEETS THE TRUE DEATH, WE WILL RIOT.

So, that’s a pretty extreme way to end the sixth season, right? Fry the fan favorite? (Well, if he did indeed die, he did it in style. Feel free to rewatch that clip as many times as necessary). BUT WAIT. No, True Blood does that soap opera favorite maneuver: a flash forward. The show’s “real time” moves so slowly for the characters that if they didn’t occasionally flash forward, we’d all sit around wondering why Arlene’s kids are in fifth grade but look like college students.

Six months in the future, these are the important things to know:

1. Bill is as smarmy as ever, having a published a “too sensational to be fiction” memoir of his days as a blood god.

2. Jason is involved with vampy Violet, and has gone 6 months without intercourse. (His tongue must be awful tired. His right hand too.)

3. Sam is the mayor of Bon Temps, and has put together an arrangement to put together healthy blood donors with healthy vampires.

4. Merlotte’s is now Bellefleur’s.

5. Vampires infected with Hep-V roam the world, presumably eating anything that moves. (So, vampires with Hep-V = zombies??? I thought the virus killed too quick for that. Apparently the writers forgot about Nora’s fate.)

6. Sookie is dating Alcide. (I reserve judgment on this until season 7).

7. WHERE THE FUCK IS ERIC. And Pam.

Ten months, ten months until we know if Pam and Eric are alive or dead. This is gonna be one helluva fangover.

-The Collectress