True Blood: We’re All Dead Meat

**Darling, there will be spoilers.**

In last night’s episode of True Blood we saw all the pieces put into place for the finale that’s coming up in two weeks.

The board is set…but who’s going to checkmate?

There are so many characters and plots and subplots this season that it’s hard to keep track of them. But, here’s my thoughts, broken down by group:

The Bon Temps Folks

The place that always stays open even though no one ever seems to work…

With the death of Terry Bellefleur, the human citizens of Bon Temps seem to be floundering. As Terry’s widow, Arlene, and the rest of the Bellefleur family prepare for Terry’s funeral, emotions have gotten a little testy. My favorite moment of last night’s episode was Arlene’s honest breakdown in the funeral home over the prospect of the Marines doing a 21-gun salute for her husband. It’s raw, it’s bitter, and I think it perfectly reflects the grief of a woman who’s just lost her husband (not to mention, it was some pretty powerful acting by Carrie Preston).

Andy Bellefleur has returned to being the bumbling but loveable town sheriff–the comedic relief that we so desperately need this season. Terry’s funeral is coming up soon, and I can only wonder if we’re going to see a new, more sensitive, side to Andy as his best friend and cousin is laid to rest.

The Shifters and Weres 

A new bromance? Looks like they already share a closet.

So far this season, I haven’t been impressed with Sam or Alcide. Both seem to have scraped the barrel to succumb to new levels of douchebag-hood. Sam seemed to forget his former lady love, Luna, within mere hours of her death, while Alcide seemed to go on a power trip as the new Packmaster of Shreveport. In last night’s episode, both took baby steps into becoming tolerable characters again.

In three creepiest seconds ever aired on HBO, Sam discovers that his new paramour is pregnant with his shifter baby (cub? chick? calf?) just by sniffing her. And if that weren’t creepy enough, he knows, but she doesn’t. Does he tell her? No. Instead, he tells her he loves her and convinces Nicole to stay in Bon Temps with him. Because that’s not manipulative, or anything.

To Sam’s credit, however, Sookie does show up and all but throw her fairy vagina on him, and he turns down the girl he’s been crushing on forever because he feels obligated to stand by Nicole. You get one half a point in your favor, Sam.

Alcide, on the other hand, rescues Nicole and her mother from his pack by standing up to all the crazy were-bitches that have decided that he’s too weak to be Packmaster. Alcide kicks crazy were-bitch’s ass, and pretty much tells the pack life to ‘fuck off.’ I like Alcide much better as a lone wolf, but something tells me that his former pack isn’t going to back off so easily. Ten bucks says the crazy were-bitch will come back with a bite.

Oh, and there was an adorable bromance moment between Alcide and Sam, which involved an empty bar and a bottle of liquor. I’m sure it sent all the fangirls scurrying to the keyboards to write Samcide smut.

The Stackhouses

Well, it looks like poor Jason is about to be raped. Again.

As for Sookie, I’m still not caring about all the issues that having a fairy vagina brings her. Oh, you have 5 or 6 super hunky men lusting after you, 3 of whom are dying to fang you and spend the rest of eternity banging you? Yes, Sookie, continue to complain about your love life.

You keep telling yourself that, Sookie Stackhouse, but any girl who can get Eric Northman into her bed is pretty damn special.

However, as much as I don’t care about Sookie’s love life (unless it involves tall undead Vikings), I do admire her commitment to her friends. We’ve seen that she’ll do anything to protect those she cares about, and she proved it again last night as she prepares to become a fairy vampire bride just so her vampire friends (one of whom is also her ex-lover) will not meet the sun.

She’s also doing it to spite the parents that tried to kill her when she was a baby, so here we also have some long overdue teenage rebellion.

On the other hand, she seems to be too trusting of her new fairy vampire beau. Last night’s episode was the first time she recognized Niall’s disappearance (really, Sookie? Niall disappears and you don’t stop to wonder why?) and she’s kinda worried for her brother. Maybe Sookie should rethink extending her commitment to her friends to her family as well.

The Vampires 

Anyone who was hoping for a Billith/Eric bromance had their dreams brutally slaughtered last night. Doesn’t seem like Bon Temps’ two favorite undead are ever going to get along, and I can’t say that I mind. I like the tension between them. I’m hoping for a blood god/vampire viking smackdown before it’s all said and done.

I don’t have much to say about the vampires, but…

  • Billith is a jerkwad, and I think that’s pretty much the best thing since sliced bread. I love how he wavers between “good ole Bill Compton” and “Billith, vengeful blood god.” The writers have done well with this one.
  • Jessica is a stupid bint who may end up getting Jason killed. Really, throw your human boyfriend to the mercy of one fucked up Sarah Newlin, because you want to get it on with a vampy Ambercrombie and Bitch model that you’ve known five minutes? Really? REALLY.
  • Pam is awesome.
  • Tara should die.
  • Vampire Eric…you just keep on keeping on. This, my friends, is the signature move of a bad ass: piss off a blood god, glamour some kids to get what you want, eat ex-girlfriend’s new arm candy, and then show up the blood god by saving the world by your damn self.

Oh, and Sarah Newlin? That bitch be cray cray. Last night she proved that she’s just as capable at extremely gory and public murder as Russell Edgington.

-The Collectress

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