Ryan Gosling Is Not Quite Human

About a year ago, I stumbled across one of the funniest blog posts I’ve ever read: Dear Ryan Gosling. O’Keefe, out of necessity, asks Ryan Gosling to please stop being so Ryan Gosling because it’s fucking unbearable.

Her main points:

1. He’s too attractive.

2. He adores women too much.

3. He’s too adorable with children.

4. He’s too good of an actor.

5. He’s too heroic.

I agree with all of the above, but I would like to add that Ryan Gosling is impossible.

When I say “impossible,” I don’t mean that he’s difficult, I mean that there is no way a human like him could possibly exist in this eternal fuckhole that is planet Earth. Which, obviously means that Ryan Gosling is not quite human. What is he then? Well, I think he’s the reason this pick-up line was invented:

Actually, don’t call God. Let’s keep him on Earth.

Really, the man is a walking conundrum. He’s ridiculously sexy and legitimately humble. He’s extremely talented yet very understated. Oh, and he looks wicked hot in a beard. He’s so much talent and hotness and intelligence and kindness wrapped up together that a black hole may form around him just to even the balance of awesomeness in the universe. It’s impossible for such a man to exist. Impossible.

For example, Ryan Gosling has his own meme. This A) proves that tumblr recognizes his awesomeness and B)makes him eternally culturally hip.

He’s done the impossible: made Grumpy Cat smile.

Ordinary people just don’t get their own memes. They just don’t. They get a meme or memes made out of their faces because they are on a show (like Andrew Scott in BBC’s Sherlock), but Ryan-the-Ovary-Destroyer Gosling has dozens of tumblrs devoted to the “Hey Girl” meme. Really, librarian Hey Girl and NPR Hey Girl exist (I’ve also heard rumors of a Hey Mormon Girl site, but I have yet to find it). So, what does Ryan Gosling do? Does he let it go to his head?

No, he gets all cute and embarrassed by it, and then proceeds to read aloud some “hey girls” and cause the implosion of every uterus within a fifty-mile radius.

Ok, so Ryan is adorable and has a sense of humor. That’s not so inhuman, right? Obviously, he’s got to have like three nipples or something, because a cute face and sense of humor has to be coupled with a physical defect.

As far as reactions to Mr. Gosling’s physical presence goes, I think Emma Stone has got it down perfectly.

Okay, so he’s handsome and funny and has the body of Apollo. We get it. He’s fucking impossible. Geez, Ryan, can’t you spare some awesome for the rest of the universe? Like, send some of those abs to a third-world country or something; sharing is caring, you know.

Oh, know what else Ryan Gosling can do? He can sing. He has a band. He sings about zombies.


Maybe that comment-writer is right. It would explain a lot about how bloody perfect this man is. He’s sexy and funny and handsome and of course the Canadian government would genetically engineer a sex god to be their national mascot, right? Especially if he wears footsie pajamas. (Let’s add ‘adorable’ to the list of adjectives that describe Ryan Gosling).

Fuck, this man just can’t exist. He just fucking can’t. You know why?

This is why.

Ryan Gosling is a man who has his own meme and dishtowels made out of his face. He’s handsome and smart and can charm the knickers off any living creature, and underneath it all, he appears to have a good heart. Yeah, the man is impossible, because he shatters real-life expectations for humankind, but maybe we should just thank God for the gift and youtube some more clips of The Notebook. 

So say we all.

-The Collectress


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